Last night I caught myself breaking my own rule: don’t stalk your ex on social media. While on Facebook, I looked through my most recent dating disaster’s profile page, and as they say, if you go searching for something you’ll find something. His status went like this: This weather has been about as bipolar as the woman I recently dated.
Seriously, if you’re going to write about me at least tag me in your status. What a bitch move!
That’s what I get for social media stalking, and I’ve gone to extremes when being a peeper. One time I perused the profile of a guy I dated. I looked at his pictures and wondered, what in the hell was I thinking? Our relationship ended badly. He was a dick and broke my heart, so I messaged him this: I just found out I have the clap, you should probably get checked.
Then I went about my day and didn’t look at his page ever again. #ColdBlooded
I’ve done worse. I’ve gone full-on hard-core peeper. Here’s what it looks like at the height of Stage 10 Creeper Status.
Day 1: I stalk my ex’s page and dude is looking fresh in some clothes I bought for him. Oh, how I want to post I bought that shit on clearance! Then I see what no woman wants to see: “in a relationship with…”
I have to know everything about this woman, I panic. I call my best friend and we stalk her together. “What size shoe do you think she wears?” “It looks like her canine tooth shifts slightly to the right, but he always said he liked perfect teeth.” Back to his page. Oh, he looks so unhappy. “He’s been forced into this! His family probably arranged this relationship!” Then, I block them both.
Day 2: I have to know more. Something major probably happened, so I unblock them. There he is wearing another shirt I bought him. And I want my clothes back. I want them all back. I try to block them again. Facebook says I have to wait 48 hours.
Day 3: My hands are shaking. I just need to make it through the next 48 hours before blocking them again. I can do it! Nope. I get my fill and spend all day on their profiles. They could announce they are having a baby or getting married! You know how fast relationships can move! My heart is pounding out of my chest. Where did I put my anxiety medication?
Day 4: The 48 hours have past. I finally block them again. My time to cleanse can begin. My dry erase board becomes a tally for the days where I don’t participate in any social media stalking, you know, like sober days.
So far I’ve been clean for two months. It has been a process and, thankfully, I’ve had the support of friends, family and coworkers to help me get it together – and Whitney Houston and Beyoncé. I’m a hard core peeper; it’s a real addition. And I’m taking it one day at a time.