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My Resting Bitch Face Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bitch

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My Resting Bitch Face Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bitch

My Resting Bitch Face Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bitch

I’m not a stuck up bitch, I’m just awkward as hell.

My resting bitch face serves as a human repellent. Only I’m not a stuck up bitch, I’m just awkward as hell. Every time I see someone looking at me or walking my way, I think to myself: “Please don’t talk to me!” You can imagine how fun my college years were.

During my second year in college, I didn’t have many friends. You know, since I have such a wonderfully outgoing personality. But I was totally fine with it! A classmate of mine, however, wasn’t having it. Yasmin constantly initiated conversations, and she was cool and all, but I wasn’t there to make friends. I wanted to get my work done and get up out of there in 4 years or less. The most Yasmin ever got from me was a smile and a nod. I actually thought I was being pretty nice! I’d usually just stare blankly at folks who desperately try to befriend me.

And she was trying. During gaps between classes, I usually didn’t have much to do, so I’d stay to myself or sit in the cafeteria. Until I started bumping into Yasmin. Everywhere. The more I saw her, the less annoying she became. I was starting to actually like her. Would you look at that, a potential friend!

Everything was going well between Yasmin and I. We even exchanged numbers and began following each other on social media. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship! Then she did it. She fucked it all up when she invited me to a hookah lounge with her and all of her besties. I didn’t want to be rude; she was a new friend after all. So I mustered all of my enthusiasm and said, “Of course girl, I’ll be there!” It was a damn lie.

“Abort mission!!! Abort mission!” I thought to myself. I was just getting used to the idea of Yasmin, and now I had to meet and socialize with more women?! The idea made me sick to my stomach. I cancelled last minute, and no, I didn’t feel bad. Yasmin would be fine without me there, she had her besties! And I was going to have as much fun by myself, watching movies and downing pints of ice cream.

Thing is my entire life is a contradiction. I complain that I have no friends, yet I have no interest in meeting new people. I want to be invited to social gatherings, but God knows I won’t go. I don’t understand myself and quite frankly, I don’t think anybody does. When I think of meeting new people, I panic because that required building trust and opening up to a new person. I’ve had several experiences with shady people; I tend to think everyone is going to do me dirty. My awkward personality doesn’t help either. I shut them down completely even when I intend to be social and friendly.

So this is what it’s like to be me. This is the life of a hermit crab. That’s what I should have been born as so that people could comprehend my resting bitch face doesn’t actually mean I’m a bitch. Maybe in my next life.

Alanna Gonzalez

Alanna is an aspiring writer and editor. Currently a student at Lehman College pursuing her degree in Media Communication Studies, she spends her leisure time hopping from beauty shop to beauty shop, comparing natural hair products for curly gals. The proud Afro Latina was often told she had “pelo malo” (bad hair) and she wants to put a stop to the damaging idea that straight hair is the only hair that will land you a dream job or man. A promoter of self-love, Alanna also encourages women of all backgrounds to love themselves and to not conform to patriarchal norms.

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