The title of this post is written in a joking manner. Because that’s what I do. Whenever I speak of my single status, my breakups or bad choices in relationships, I joke. It’s my mechanism. It makes me feel better. It makes it easier to play the part of “independent woman” who doesn’t need a man to be happy. And it convinces loved ones that that’s the case.
To be clear, I am not unhappy. But I would be and feel happier if I were in a relationship. Even when I was with Paco, as detached as he was, as cold as our relationship was at times, it still felt amazing to have someone to talk to about my day every day, to have a support system that is male.
I don’t have that any more. Yes, I have great friends and an amazing family, mostly in NYC, and I am back now. But there is still a loneliness there. One that creeps up when I am alone in bed, after a night out with friends, on Valentine’s Day and other holidays, at weddings, baby showers and kids’ birthday parties, and when I call said loved ones to tell them about my day and there is no answer on the other line.
That’s when the loneliness of singlehood hits me hard. My feelings begin to unravel. And I think.
I am single, again. I am 35 going on 36. When will it happen? Will it? What happens if it doesn’t? What are my choices? I want to be a mother. Can I do it alone? Do I want to do it alone? Do I have a choice?
I am no longer the put-together, resilient, “independent woman” that people see me as. I don’t want to tell a joke. I don’t want to hear that it will work out, “God willing.” I show my cards, my vulnerability in that moment, and my fears, just like MJ did in Shahs of Sunset.
I don’t know. I don’t know if it will happen, if my future husband is really out there and on the way. I choose not to think about it too much. Instead, just like MJ, I tell a joke and pretend that nothing is wrong. That I am fine. It’s the only way to convince myself in those moments of loneliness that I am.
As a single woman, how do you cope with the “what if’s”?