“Dating sites are totally fantastic, right?” said no one ever. Yet I sign up with the highest of standards. All I want is a kick ass dude to spend my time with that lives within a reasonable distance from my house. I also rather not spend my time drinking, engaging in casual sex or spending every weekend at Chuckie Cheese with his children. Is that too much to ask for?
Yup. My expectations rule out 75 percent of the online dating pool.
Needless to say, there are slim pickings out there for a 30-something year old single gal, which is why I was excited when I met a guy who fit my ideal match. He’s Hispanic with lots of colorful tattoos. His ears are gauged and he has that edgy punk look that I absolutely love about a guy. I read through his profile and I was really digging what he had to say. Wow, this guy sounds wonderful. I thought. Why is a guy like this single?
I needed to contact him. As an aggressive female, I’m all about making the first move so I sent him a message. Score. He messaged me back. We quickly went from texts to phone calls, and he was so easy to talk to. We have similar beliefs, he has a good job, and a place of his own. Do you know how rare that is nowadays? Sorry boys, your parents don’t count as roommates and I know your fucking car isn’t in the garage. But, he has a kid. However, the kid is all grown up. Sweet!
We agreed to meet up for drinks – iced tea, actually, since I don’t drink. And he is fine. This felt so right. He seemed like the guy that would meet my expectations! Then, he dropped a bomb.
“I’m separated,” he said.
Hold up, didn’t he have “single” on his dating profile? Instead of tearing him a new asshole for deceiving me, I asked, “What’s your definition of ‘separated’?”
This fool proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t filed divorce papers, but he was “thinking about it.” I was thinking about how fast I could make an exit.
“I can’t say that we won’t ever get back together, but we both want to see other people,” the fine fool continued.
So, though he said he was single and looking for a “long-term relationship” on his online dating profile, this dude was on a temporary vacation from his marriage. And I refused to be his all-inclusive package. To make matters worse, he has her nickname in gigantic graffiti letters tattoed down his arm. Well, clearly that’s never getting covered up.
I made my exit and told him it was great meeting him.
Till this day, he still texts me, asking if I want to come over to “Netflix and Chill.” That’s not going to happen. Unless those papers are filed, he is still married, and I do not date married men. I do not participate in adultery. He needs to “Netflix and Chill” till death do he part with his wife.