When a girlfriend and I would part ways, I’d delete her number from my contacts. That was before social media. Now, when female friendships breakup a social media cleanse must take place. If not, old photos of you and your BFF resurface and haunt you forever. It’s that much harder to get over someone when they are still virtually in your face.
That’s what happened between me and my former BFF. She was my ride or die. A friend that I never thought would leave my side. We’d send each other memes and gifs on how other women wished we were their BFF. And so I thought that we could withstand any bump in the road called friendship. I thought we could talk about it and move on. That’s how I like to deal with things. Her, not so much.
I know her well. She is smart, sassy, sophisticated and oh so much fun. She is a driven go-getter who motivated me and was there for me when I needed her. She taught me so much about myself and I appreciate her for that. She is also someone who cuts people off when she feels slighted. She felt that I slighted her in some way. That way still remains unclear. I did not steal her job, her boyfriend or her shine. It came down to miscommunication, and after a while there was little to no communication at all.
Still, I do what I always do in these situations. I become vulnerable and open. I ask why and what’s going on. I reach out. I try to fix things. With my former BFF, I even continued to follow her on Instagram after she unfollowed me. I engaged her in virtual conversation via Twitter and posted IG comments on her pics. She didn’t budge. So I do what I always do: I emailed her. When it was clear that she was uninterested in mending fences, I unleashed my pent up emotions, including my hurt, anger and disappointment that we could not move past whatever it was that broke us. She didn’t reply. I didn’t expect her to. In fact, she then unfollowed me and blocked me on Twitter and Instagram. So I went to Facebook. While hovering over the “unfriend” button, I thought, what’s the point? Why not cut me out of your life completely? I clicked the button and finished the job.
But, there was one more IG profile where I followed her account. It’s my private IG which I never use, but one day I was scrolling through my newsfeed and realized that she didn’t block my personal account. And I’ve been keeping up with her life ever since. For the past few weeks I’ve followed her cross-continent adventures. Because I have trouble letting go even when someone wants me to let go.
For a while, I felt like we were in a relationship, like she was a boyfriend who wanted little to do with me but had yet to break up with me. She pushed me away, like many men that I dated did in the past. I felt rejected, abandoned, unlovable. During the flailing of this friendship, I’ve told myself the story of unlovable and dispensable gal over and over again just like I often do.
Today, that changes. After almost a year of feeling terrible, blaming myself and missing our friendship (and hoping we could mend it) I am setting myself free. I am letting go of all ties and unfollowing her on that last Instagram account. Because I am a wonderful woman and friend who is lovable and memorable. As my former BFF once said, “Sujeiry, you deserve better.” Yes, I do.