Last night I had a dream of Ceylin. Ceylin was a good friend of mine from college. She died of breast cancer in 2007, a month shy of her 30th birthday.
I don’t remember the dream, but when I woke up I thought: how quickly we forget about the people we love. I hardly think of Ceylin anymore. I always remember her birthday – March 27th – but it’s one of the few times of the year when she comes to mind. It makes me sad. Although she is no longer living, I feel like a bad friend. If she were here, she’d reprimand me for not calling enough, or pout whenever we got together. Her pout was very effective, like she practiced it all day in front of a mirror.
So, I want to do better. When it comes to those that I love, I want to do better. I also want to be more discerning about who I let into my life and my heart. The minutes that I spend on earth, breathing and living, well, I want them to count for something. I want to be surrounded by loved ones who reciprocate love, respect and effort.
Thing is I have gone back and forth on whether my expectations are too high, or whether I choose to build relationships with people who will disappoint me. No more vacillating or second guessing myself, convincing myself that my needs are not valid. I know the kind of relationships that I desire, and I won’t settle for anything less. I will cherish those who are in my life and work hard to stay in my life, just like I do to stay in theirs. I will follow my intuition and take note of red flags. I will continue to love fiercely and expect that others in my life do the same, even if I have to kick and pout.