“I’ll call you tomorrow,” Kevin said.
Tomorrow came and went and my only callers were my momma and a telemarketer. I was crushed yet somehow found the willpower to leave his ass alone. Instead of dialing his number and yelling over his voicemail, “You’re a liar! Why don’t you want meeeeee?!” I let it go.
Weeks later, I heard from Kevin. “What have you been up to?” he asked nonchalantly. Dude, you never called me! Where have you been? And what gives you the right to call and expect to see me whenever you want? But I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I continuously allowed Kevin to bench me.
What is benching? A dating trend that is replacing ghosting. Actually, it isn’t very new. ‘Benching’ is what “How I Met Your Mother” called “being on the hook” in one hilarious episode and what I coined ‘being on the shelf’ in this video.
Honestly, I’ve rarely been ghosted. When I was single, however, I was benched dzones of times.
How do you know you’ve been benched? If:
- your boo is like Kevin and calls and wants to see you sporadically
- everything is always on his time
- his ass isn’t committing
- you don’t know where you stand in the relationship
- you don’t even know if you should call your “relationship” a relationship
- he never committs and rarely makes plans to see you, but still calls once in a while
- he never breaks up with you although all signs point to it (whatever ‘it’ is) being over
When you’re benched you’re given false hope. Kevin (and the others) often reassured me by telling me how fabulous I was. “You’re so beautiful,” “I love talking to you,” “You’re so much fun;” yet they rarely spoke of future plans or reaffirmed the one thing I needed solidified – that they wanted to be with me.
So, beware of being benched as it’s a tricky situation. And if you feel you are on the bench right now, don’t do what I did with Kevin.
DON’T accept his calls.
DON’T demand answers (cause he won’t be honest and will probably just ghost ya).
DON’T pledge your love for him (see above).
DON’T wait around for him to change his mind and pick you off his full bench. (Oh yeah, he’s benched other women. They’re cold and confused, huddled up right beside you.)
In the end, you’re the only person who can get off the bench. Stand up, wipe yourself off and ignore your Kevin at all costs – no matter how sweet his sweet talk. He ain’t the boss of you. He ain’t your coach. And he isn’t worth the wait.