Boo and I have been talking about having a baby. I know. Shit is serous. And eventually I won’t be able to say “shit” out loud. (Babies first word shouldn’t be an obscenity.) What I will attempt to do is to keep my identity. I want to be a mom that isn’t consumed with being a mom. Laughable, right? Not realistic, say the moms who are reading this. Perhaps. I may just be worse than that soccer mom who lives vicariously through her children. Or I may stand my ground and be the Sujeiry that has interests outside of her children.
What will I do differently? So many things. I have plans, people! I refuse to do any of these 5 annoying things as a mom. But talk to me again in two years.
Always Talk About the Kids
I love my friends and family’s chillens but I don’t want to hear about their teeth falling, how they got another A++++, or the darnedest things that they say every damn day. (There I go cursing again.) So I will really try to bite my tongue and not bombard friends and family with kid talk. Yes, my kid will be adorable and smart and so entertaining, but I will try to resist. I promise!
Sonogram on Social Media Blast
One of the 8th wonders of my world is a sonogram on social media. Why would you want someone to see your baby in your uterus? Shouldn’t your uterus be for you, your man, and your gynecologist’s eyes only? For the love of all that is reproductive let’s keep some things off social media. In other words, private!
Facebook Posts About Babies and More Babies
I have clever friends and consider myself pretty entertaining as well. So imagine my shock when said clever friends stop being so clever on Facebook and only post photos of babies, check-ins at Chuckie Cheese, and articles on how to parent (more on that later). I want to still share my writing and complain about the shitty MTA. I want to muse about life’s mysteries, like why women use their sonogram photo as a profile picture!
Mom-ing Other Moms
There are those moms who think they know it all. They want all moms to breast feed and if you don’t you’re a terrible horrible no good mom! They don’t give their kids sugar or let them watch cartoons because “my kids will never be brainwashed or babysat by a television set.” (Insert smug face emoticon.) Basically, they’re the Gwyneth Paltrow of moms and I refuse to be Gwyneth unless I have her money. #WatchDoraAllDayKid
Forgetting My Non-Mom Friends
This one is dear to my heart because as soon as my friends started having babies they forgot about me. Because I have no babies. If I did, they’d invite me over for play dates. It’s fine. I don’t want to play with your kid anyway. And when I have kids and still have awesome get togethers with adults and babysitters (the TV) I won’t invite you to play either. In other words, suck it.
Gosh, I’ve stopped cursing already.