The First Call After A Breakup: Seeking Closure

Sujeiry Glasses CoolCalling a man after a break up rattles every inch of my body. My skin bumps raise as if a cold wind attacked. Perky and obvious, they are, unlike my boobs, and even they stand at attention when in the presence of an ex, even if just over a phone call. My palms feel like I’ve been holding a dead fish; cold and perspiring like armpits in summer. Then there is my heart. Beating hard and fast as if running a marathon. What awaits at the finish line? Answers. Understanding. And maybe a little closure.

This is what I expected when I called Luke, my ex-boyfriend of just three weeks. We hadn’t spoken since I ended our relationship. He didn’t call like he said he would. We never met to speak face-to-face like he said he wanted to. The relationship was over as was the friendship that was built. Still, I wanted to hear his voice. Make sure he was out of his funk and that my decision to leave didn’t break his heart like his decision to emotionally withdraw broke mine.

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I found his number quickly as it was still under my iPhone’s ‘Favorites’ list. I braced myself as the phone rang on the other end. “Pick up, pick up, pick up…” I muttered under my breath. And just like that, my wish was granted.

“Hello,” he answered, his voice unsure of who was calling.

“Hey, it’s Sujeiry,” I replied, a little shocked he did not recognize my high-pitched tone. Did he delete my number already? I fought to ask.

“Oh…wow…hey! How are you?” He said, the excitement in his voice building. I told him I was fine. My tone neutral.

“I called you not to long ago but you didn’t answer,” he continued.

“Really…I never got a missed called. But maybe I was at work or on the train. No service,” I reasoned, choosing to believe he had actually called. That he still cared about my feelings, my life, my success.”So how are you?” I queried, hoping for something positive.

“Still not working,” he sulked, his energy as stuck as it was when I ended the relationship.”But I’m going to Arizona…then Miami and maybe DR,” he finished. I inhaled quickly, stunned that he was moving on so quickly, literally moving away. No hope for us, I thought. But did I want that hope? Thoughts cluttered my slowing beating heart, heavy now with the weight of the finality of it all, as he continued mapping out a future without me.

“I do want to say something to you…about us,” he said, changing gears. My ears perked up as did the pores on my arms once again. “I am sorry. I fucked up. I withdrew. And we had a great time, a great relationship –”

“You didn’t fight for me,” I expressed as I had during that breakup call.

“I know…” Luke whispered, unsure of what to say next. Then a sliver of hope. “Maybe, when I get my life together, maybe you give us another chance?”

There went my breath again, unsteady and heavy. And my hands, sweaty like that wet fish, shaking as if confronted by a terrifying concept.

The idea of waiting, of hoping for someone to return, as I have done prior…with my father, with others who have followed in his footsteps, is terrifying.

“I don’t know. I’m not waiting for anyone,” I replied, hard and convincing.

“I know. I don’t want you to wait for me. I want you to be happy. I guess if we’re supposed to be together we will.”

“Yeah, maybe…” I said, blinking back tears and those words again…you didn’t fight for me.

“I’m glad we talked. I really do care about you and I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t go into this relationship with that intention–”

“I know, Luke. No one ever does…” I cut him off, ready to move on from the apologies and the what ifs. And just like that, my wish was granted. He had to go buy lunch for his daughter as he didn’t know how to make anything himself. He tried. Luke really did try…with his daughter, with me. But trying is never enough.

And just like that…closure.

  • http://thedomesticbuzz.com/ Mariana

    Such a hard phone call to make, Sujeiry. You’re brave. So glad you got closure!

  • The Wise Latina Club

    I’ve never “waited” for any man and I’m still single. However, women I know who have, who have been doormats, waited for him to “grow up”, “come around”, “establish himself”, get past “his demons”, HAVE gotten hitched. I won’t comment on their choice or their relationships. But as far as I’m concerned, I know that in any healthy relationship, you sometimes play the role of mom, therapist, martyr, La Virgen, but not always. I also know that in any healthy relationship, sometimes you pull more weight, other times s/he will, but neither should bear the relationship 100% of the time. Building on what @Carrie and others have mentioned, in the end, stay authentic and true to yourself: you have you!

  • http://tikitikiblog.com Carrie

    Have you done a vision board? Stated and focused on exactly what you want and asked for it to become real?

    Also, remember, you have you and that is perfect and wonderful and fabulous. You don’t have to wait for you, you don’t abandon you.

    Until the Other comes, you have you!

  • rachel

    i like these stories. my ex was a husband and we have a child. i see him often. i never wonder what hes up to lol

  • Justice Jonesie

    Breaking up is so hard to do. Makes the nicest people act not so nice but sounds like you both are handling it well. Sometimes a phone call is all you need.

  • http://lovesujeiry.com Sujeiry, 1st Lady of Love

    Ah, dealing with an ex, especially an silly one, is frustrating. So sorry to hear what he put you through. But I believe you did the best thing. Not responding to him or contacting him took strength; it is much easier to confront someone than it is avoid. Taking that step does take some cojones but, when women usually do decide to call or chat or meet face to face for “closure,” there is always an ulterior motive. As was obvious in this post, I still had some hope that he would tell me he wanted to work things out NOW and fight for me. I wanted to hear I was irreproachable. But I didn’t get that.

    Seems to me we are both better off as we deserve men who will ultimately “fight for us.”

    Thanks for reading and commenting. I enjoy sharing my stories and always hope it helps someone reflect.

  • Monica

    Interesting to read your post. Last night I went online and noticed that my ex of about 2 months was also online. I didn’t have the urge to send him an IM, all that crossed my mind was sillyboy…we never spoke after I realized he was fading me out by not returning my calls/replying to my texts. I didn’t want to be the one who kept trying to make things work (which I did for the 8 months he was overseas and 1 month he was in Chicago with his family-something he didn’t mention and a month I didn’t hear from him at all. After logging off it crossed my mind that I could have said something, but I knew I would not hear what I wanted/expected to hear…not an I’m sorry. For me my closure came with him cowardly walking away…and like you said, by him “not fighting for me.”

    Thanks for your posts, they are always so interesting and insightful.