Breakups

The In and Out Man: Why Your Ex Man Keeps Coming Back

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We see it in soap operas, plays and music videos: read it in romance novels: and hear this same tale in love songs: a man breaks up with you or stops calling to only reappear. He comes in and out of your life and you scream, “Damn! What does he really want?”

As a man, I can tell you he skips town because he has a fear of commitment, or as Roman said, “sometimes we don’t really know what we want.”A man may love a woman, but not be so in love that he wants to  spend the rest of his life with her.  There’s also bad timing. “The chemistry is great but we’re just not at the same place,” Roman continued, “that’s why we leave, fix ourselves and then come back into your lives.”

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Some men are also just cowards. Or they need space to figure things out. Once he’s had his alone time he may come back with an, “I miss you.”

There is another scenario regarding the in and out man that may feel familiar. You are in a great relationship, but for some reason you break up. Maybe it was some circumstance beyond your control, like a move for work or family drama. Neither party is guilty of committing an indiscretion. Months pass, maybe a year or two, and look who happens to show up? He couldn’t get you out of his mind. He worked through his issues. Do you take him back? If you love him and he truly loves you, sure. Just make sure to tie him to a chair so he never leaves again.

Kidding, of course. But, as a woman how do you deal with the in and out guy? Confront him head on. If you let a man do whatever he wants in a relationship, he will continue to do so unchecked. You have to step up, use your big girl voice and say, “Enough is enough. We need to talk and we need to talk right now.” Sit down and tell your man what’s on your mind and how you feel. Now, boys will be boys, and he may just be evasive. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sweetie. You know I love you, baby. I always come back to you in the end.” Yada, yada, yada. Don’t let his sweet talk fool you or soften you. Set boundaries and tell him if he disappears again, it’s really over.

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In the end, going in and out of relationships is stressful and emotionally exhausting. You are continuously reliving the end of your relationship. So, men and women, please be clear about what you want out of a relationship. If you want a long-term thing, say so. If you want to date other people and have an open relationship, say so. If you want to fuck around with no strings attached, say so! And take what a man says at face value. This will save you a lot of time, energy and dramatic telenovela antics.

Rich is a proud married guy and father of two. He enjoys helping women understand the mind of a man.