I found your page, and as you were listed as top Latina dating expert, and am at a loss for how to understand my man/ex-man.
We met in person in Jan, 2012 and have dated since, exclusively. On our first few dates, he said he was ready to meet my wife and have a family. So, we’ve been dating and it’s been beautiful, considering getting married, and just taking time to get to know each other to make sure it’s a match. Then one month in (February) he cuts off communication for 2 weeks. I was worried, and have had so many men abandon me, so I didn’t know what was going on. I called him and we met. He said he’d been feeling really stressed, and it turns out he had some compatibility questions, mostly misunderstandings. Back to beautiful as usual for the next 8 months.
In March, he introduced me to his mom and family. He also met my family. He’s always been steady, wise, and consistent. Two months ago without warning, he cut off all communication before I was headed overseas. I called him, left messages…no answer. I emailed him and he said he had to think about things and that we could talk when I got back from my trip. I got back and called him . He ignored me. I finally found him a week later at his job. When we talked, he said there is nothing wrong with the relationship, but that he doesn’t want to be in relationship.
This is totally shocking to me.
We decided to talk again within a month, and in the meantime, he offered to fix a few problems with my engine! So, do I take a month apart, light contact, and allow him to show some affection/contribution through the car, and then talk again in a month? Or do I need to “disappear” and ignore him?
I feel deep down in my heart that he is for me. I love him. What should I do?
Struggling To Let Go
Dear Struggling To Let Go,
Thanks for emailing me and I am so sorry for what you are going through. But, hopefully, I can help.
The pattern in your relationship seems to be one of inconsistency, which is ironic because you state he is solid and consistent. The only consistency that I see in this man is his pattern of disappearing. It started a month after you became exclusive. Poof, no contact for 2 weeks. Then again in September where he cut off communication for 2 months. Now, you are here…devastated.
I’m not sure why your man/ex-man has this habit of abandoning you or running away. I do know that you need to take his word for it when he says he is not ready. He said it himself.
He does not want to be in relationship.
I suggest you leave him alone. Give him space. Let him be. You cannot force someone to be with you. What you had may have been great, but that was then. You are now living a different circumstance. Your relationship is no longer in the present.
So, focus on yourself. Discover why you are often in relationships where you are abandoned. This, love, is your pattern. A pattern I am too familiar with. You have to break it in order to find happiness. Count on your friends and family. And please do not contact him! That is your challenge. I know it’s not easy to forget. And I’m not asking you to. I know it’s not easy to move on. I wrote an entire book about my experiences, explaining just how hard it is to stop loving someone and abandon the dreams you’ve created for your relationship. But he said it.
He does not want to be in relationship.
Again, this is his pattern with you. A pattern which you have allowed and enabled by accepting his behavior because you have yet to break your pattern of being with men who abandon you. You continue to return to the relationship, even with this dysfunction. You continue to wait for him to get it together, to come back when he disappears. He knows you love him. He knows you are willing to wait. He has you On the Shelf, which is my theory that men keep good women on a shelf for when they want to pick then up again and reignite a relationship. Your relationship then becomes one of limbo, inconsistency, and waiting. Your relationship then becomes something that depends entirely on him and what he wants and when he wants it.
That is not love.
As for the car repair, let someone else handle it. This is his way of still being around without actually committing to you and giving you the relationship and commitment you desire and deserve. And you do deserve it. We all do. So, do yourself a huge favor. Love yourself more than you love him. Find the strength to heal and find the lesson in this devastation.
Love strongly and wisely,
DISCLAIMER: The advice offered by Sujeiry Gonzalez are solely the opinion of Sujeiry Gonzalez and should not be considered as a form of therapy and/or diagnosis or treatment of any kind. If counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.[contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"]