I love all you love quotes; you’re so awesome! Anyway, this about my 14 almost 15 year old daughter. I always show her your quotes because she is going through a crazy stage of chasing the same boy on-and-off since 6th-9th grade. I know I have to give her room to live and learn but she just continues to allow this boy to hurt her and she posts crazy statuses on Facebook. It drives me nuts! He deleted her from FB last May when they broke up. He doesn’t call, text, or message her. He had like 5 different girlfriends over the summer and my daughter just sat around depressed because of him moving on. She finally met a guy she knew from school and they became boyfriend/girlfriend. He treated her like a princess and she was finally happy. But the ex found out and immediately text her he was happy she finally moved on. In an instant, she dropped Lil Prince Charming.
Since school has begun, Prince Charming hasn’t given up and The Ex from Hell keeps telling her that he wants her back. I don’t want to see her get hurt and depressed again. It seems like the more I tell her to stay away from The Ex from Hell, the more she wants him. Should I just allow her to follow her heart and see for herself or continue to forbid her to get back with the punk?
Dear Concerned Mother,
Thank you for coming to me with your question. I really hope that what I have to say gives you some guidance!
Now, unfortuntately, we cannot control anyone, especially not our children. We can try to set rules and place boundaries. We can instill a sense of respect for themselves and a sense of pride, but when daughters and sons are “in love” that often goes out the window.
Think about who you were at her age. Think about how consumed you were when you first fell “in love.” Now, you realize it was probably lust or puppy love, but in that moment you didn’t have that same perspective. When we are older, we always look back at our mistakes with perceptive. When we are younger, we are just living; we think we are invincible. That’s where your daughter is. On the other hand, maybe you didn’t have a boyfriend or experience the same emotions that your daughter is now feeling. But I’m sure one of your peers did when you were an adolescent. Connect to that past experience to help your daughter.
Another thing to note is how much females love bad boys. We’ve all “loved” a man who has treated us badly at one point or another. This phase sometimes lasts a few months, but many times it lasts years. I’ve been there. I once loved Kurt, a man who didn’t deserve me and treated me terribly from 18 to 21. I look back now and cannot believe I allowed this, or even fathomed a relationship with him. But it took me years of pain to get it.
Eventually, bad boys hurt us and we learn the lesson. The thing is we have to learn the lesson for ourselves. Many times this lesson has much to do with self-love and self-worth. Does your daughter feel unworthy? Does your daughter not think she deserves better? There must be something there, something deeper regarding her self-esteem, or lack there of. This is why she allows such horrible treatment. That’s why I allowed it.
Ultimately, as much as you want to protect her from pain, she is going to continue this relationship, even if it’s senseless and he continues to hurt her. I suggest that you be there for her through it all. Reprimanding hasn’t helped. Be there to hold her when she cries and is in pain. And try to get her to open up about her feelings of self-worth. Still, you need to set boundaries. If she is going to continue dealing with The Ex from Hell, make sure you know what is going. It may seem crazy but if you support her by, lets say, inviting him over, she may confide in you instead of hiding her relationship and sneaking around.
Bottom line, we were all teenagers once. We know teens often find a way to get what they want. Better you know what she’s doing than have her hide her experiences from you. Good luck and kudos to you for being a caring mother!
Love strongly and wisely,
DISCLAIMER: The advice offered by Sujeiry Gonzalez are solely the opinion of Sujeiry Gonzalez and should not be considered as a form of therapy and/or diagnosis or treatment of any kind. If counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.[contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"]